Here I sit in the Centurion Lounge inside the swanky San Fran airport. I can’t help to think, did I pack enough? Did I pack the right stuff? What did I pack? Not that I’m suffering from memory loss – but I seem to have packed while perhaps maybe slightly intoxicated. An afternoon shopping for Mexicool appropriate attire turned in to an ass numbing sit down at the local watering hole with a blue midget.
I thought I was going to write about the start of this trip; however I feel that I should start with the pre-start. I worked all week starting early in the office so that I could leave early on Friday and peruse the sites in the mall. Perhaps grab a few swim trunks and a handful of cargo shorts. All of which would have made up the bulk of my packing for the Mexican invasion starting tomorrow.
However, I started with the shopping, got bored quickly, found out that in Vancouver shopping is seasonal, because not one store in town stocks summer attire fit for Puerto Vallarta during the Fall season. So you can see my dilemma. If there is no shopping to do, and there are shinny things like pints of beer around, my distractions are easily established and this is why shopping ended and pub crawling started.
So off to the pub we went for a snack and some libations. The regular watering hole was jam packed and as per usual the management there turned a blind eye to the fact that I donate to the Brown’s Charity Bar Fund on a regular basis. So onwards and upwards we marched. Well, onwards and downwards, since we moved along down Lonsdale. Second stop, 45 minute wait. How could that be? Is it not a crime to make someone wait almost an hour for their hydration? What if we passed away waiting? That doesn’t work, so onwards and upwards we go.
Upwards is right. We moseyed on up Lonsdale to the closest watering hole to my humble abode. There, we were seated at a public house long table, anchoring the end. My sightline viewed the entrance so I could see all those arriving and Smurf’s view was that of the bar and most of the TV’s, so he could see those ordering drinks and update me on sports scores. The suds flowed freely. Conversation was great. Then we got a visitor.
A blonde lady, perhaps in her late 40’s. How dare I age a woman, however it might be required in order to put in to context the behavior of our uninvited guest. She was sloppy drunk and or high and or both. She called TheOneJake cute and the midget dumb. When questioned about her judgment on Smurf, she responded with “I like your nose, it tells me you’re dumb”. The conversation was entertaining to start with. However they soon turned to annoying. This visitor, let’s name her “McDrunk”, started to get aggressive; however neither of us knew what she wanted. McDrunk’s friends seated about 30ft away at the bar, watching the whole interaction go down. The friends must have seen our body language change from entertained to defensive with the good possibility of getting attacked.
One of the friends, let’s call her “Scary Spice”, came to our table in hopes of coercing McDrunk back to they safe spot at the bar. McDrunk wasn’t having it. The interaction between the two was rather amusing. Scary Spice asks “Let’s go to our seats at the bar, OK?” and McDrunk responds with “No, these are my friends now and they like me, even the dumb one likes me, right dumb one?”.
Finally after some physical persuasion, Scary Spice got McDrunk to go back to her seat and then even outside for a puff on a crazy stick. I’m assuming a crazy stick, because this story ain’t over yet.
Just before heading outside for her ingestions of crazy, McDrunk blew us a kiss and attempted to wink; which really was just a blink that almost made her fall from the brief lapse in eyesight.
We thought we were in the clear. Asked for the bill. Got ready to wrap it up. Just have to finish this last beer.
Then McDrunk came back and she was as crazy as ever and on the aggressive train to Assaultville. Things now happened very quickly. The beers had slowed down all our reaction times. Perhaps this is how McDrunk hunted. She waited until the perfect moment, reaction times slowed, bill paid and the thoughts of leaving for the safety of their home dancing in her innocent victims head.
This time when getting to the table, McDrunk didn’t beat around the bush. She just came out and said it. “Does TheOneJake want to come home with me and fuck all night?”. There it is, as classy as it gets, the words almost fell out of her mouth like weights in at a gym hitting the floor. Shocked at first, then curious as to how this situation even got to this point. So I respond with “What makes you think that I would ever want to do that?”. Now I do understand and felt that a simple “No, Fuck Off” might be more to the real point and perhaps an effort to just rip this band aid off. However, I have to be honest, I felt the direct and what sounds like a simple approach may have gotten me killed. She was now wearing a winter coat with many pockets, any of which could conceal a gun, a knife, and ice pick etc.
Her response to my query was fist to huff. She made that sound and face you make when someone says something that is so outrageous with an answer that is so obvious to everyone that you almost feel less as a human for answering. However, bless McDrunk’s heart, she did answer and with her answer all was clear.
“I know you want to because you looked at me when I came in to this pub”
If you remember at the top of this post, I was seated with a view of the entrance. I would literally have to close my eyes in order not to see someone coming in to the pub. I didn’t know how to respond to her and because of that there was an awkward moment of silence as I sat stunned scrambling for words. Like a boxer who just got hit with a one two combo and is seeing stars but knows if he falls down it’s all over.
The moment of silence infuriated McDrunk. She wasn’t gonna have it and she wasn’t going to wait for my response. So her next step was assault. I wasn’t ready. She grabbed me. One hand grabbed my shoulder while the other wrapped itself around the back of my head. I leaned back using every core muscle in my body and tried to put distance between us. Was this it? Was I going to get shanked and bleed out on a pub floor like how Chris Chambers ended up in Stand By Me. Or perhaps she was just going to stun me, do what she needs then discard me in the woods like Ray Brower in Stand By Me.
Then I noticed she had her eyes closed. Who kills someone without watching?? Wait!! I’m not going to be killed, this isn’t some post written from beyond that grave. She’s going in for an aggressive assault like smooch. I don’t know what’s worse. I push back a little harder. Her grip is strong. Smurf springs in to action. He grabs her around the waist and lifts her up and pulls her away. The death grip releases. I’m free. I’m free.
Smurf escorts her outside to where her friends are apparently smoking the oblivious stick. As she leaves, McDrunk yells “You know you want it, you can have it, I’ll give it to you tonight!!”. Smurf drops McDrunk off at her gaggle of friends. They are less than impressed that they now have to deal with the mess. Smurf explains that there will only be serious trouble if something like what just happened happens again. He briefed them on the highlights of the attempted lip lock. The friends became copasetic and took McDrunk away.
Smurf got back, the bill was paid, the beers were empty and we were free obligations to the pub. We hauled ass out and quickly headed to the safety of our home.
When I arrived home, I packed. For Mexico. Which is really what this post is about. An introduction to my trip to Mexico. I don’t know what I packed or if I packed enough. By the weight of my luggage, I assume I packed to much of something.
For now however, I sit in the Centurion lounge in San Fran with my Fiancé @lubasasowski my bestfriend Smurf, our close friend Ally and two other new friends Biscuits and Missy (the names of those involved have been changed in order to protect the innocence). The wine is flowing freely, I think we are three bottles in and it’s almost quarter to 9 in the AM.
This is going to be a good trip. No matter what I packed.
Watering hole crimes are the worst