VACATION IN DA SUN

It’s been an easy stay here Puerto Vallarta.  I originally thought that I would sit on our deck overlooking the pools and ocean landscape and blog down the details of each day in this beach outlined paradise.  However, then I realized that all those people that blog for a living really have to put in the work.  It takes devotion and a substantial amount of time just in order to keep up recording all the nuances and entertaining details of their lives.  There has to be a balance; otherwise you end up writing so much that you can actually only write about you writing.  Which is really some weird loop where you write more in order to write more about writing.  Sounds Ludacris to me.  So, I chose not to write everyday.  Instead I took a note or two; just in case my companion tequila made it difficult for me to remember anything worth writing.  So the following are highlights of a very relaxing sun soaked vacation.  When I figure out the picture thing with this website stuff then I will post those as well.

1. The bar in the resort started me off right with blended margaritas made with freshly squeezed lime juice.  They went down rather easy and the ice did the job of keeping my body temperature at safe levels.
2. One of the girls mentioned that they thought Paris Hilton was on property.  This was very plausible since our property neighbours the Hilton Resort.  Was Paris here? Was this going to be a star studded vacation?  Where there going to be people here more famous that TheOneJake? Or was it just going to be Paris?  I checked Instagram and confirmed by stalking Paris Hilton posts that she was in fact in Mexico launching her clothing line amongst other business ventures.  Whilst holding down one of the bar stools at the small pool / ocean side bar; I discovered that all those attending the drink station were from British Columbia, Canada.  There were roughly 12 people at the watering hole and not one of them lived outside BC.  Stories bounced around amongst the Canadians about long nights at the club, deep sea fishing and limit stuffing dinners.  Then, as we sat there listening to everyone’s stories, she arrived.  To get to this bar you need to walk a ramp approximately 100 feet long or 30 meters for those whom have finally made the switch to metric.  This ramp is basically set up as a runway to the bar; a place to showcase your wears and make your entrance to the watering hole, and there she was, walking the runway.  She’s over 6′ flat footed; however she was wearing 6″ espadrilles and a bikini that would be lucky if it covered 6″ of skin.  Her hair long blonde and pulled back.  Gucci sunglasses as big as a visor.  Tanned tiny body.  This was it, I was going to meet Paris.  Now, you know the moments in your life where your brain reaches a shining moment of clarity?  Well, TheOneJake had that moment and the brain started asking questions.  1. Why is she alone? Doesn’t Paris always demand an entourage and or security?  2. As she get’s closer; did she have some work done on the face?  I can’t put my finger on it; however I’m pretty sure if the sun gets any hotter then Paris’ face may not help but melt like ice in a red party cup left out in the desert sun.  Paris pulled up a stool at the bar and took her glasses off.  I was now 99% sure that this person was an imposter.  Then she spoke.  I’m not an intelligence auditor; however, what this imposter was talking about may be evidence of perhaps maybe a person who may not be the person that you want to sit down and drink a 28 year old single malt and discuss the headlines of the New Yorker this week.  She spoke about the club last night that she was at until 3 am.  Totally normal for those mid twenty, early thirty party goers.  However, I’m wondering if she may not be pushing 50 at this point.  Yes, age is an attitude and I hope that at 50+ that I have the attitude of youth.  That being said, it was more her story about how the restaurant she ate at before the club gave her a present out of the blue.  The present was a doggie bag made of a tinfoil swan.  Which confused her because she didn’t eat anything other than an appy.  Then she unwrapped the tinfoil treasure only to find a “SURPRISE”!!! She giggled at the bar almost able to make a facial expression and careful not to smudge her bubble gum pink lipstick spread over her inflated lips.  It was the best surprise ever; it was her shoe.  Isn’t that great? The bar all chuckled.  Women laughed in reaction to the story because they can’t figure out how the restaurant got her shoe; was she only wearing one now without knowing?  The Men laughed because when a 6′ blonde in heels makes a joke in a tiny bikini then you laugh; even if you can’t make heads or tails of the story.  Everyone at the watering hole wanted to ask how the shoe got in to the swan wrapping paper.  Nobody was making a move. So I did.  “Can I ask a question?” I query.  The whole watering hole shift their eyes over to me.  I can see their relief that someone was going to ask the question.  “Of course Babe” she replies.  I smiled and hit her with the hard hitting question.  “How was the appetizer?” and right there almost every person sitting at the bar dropped their heads in disappointment.  “It was a dry piece of octopus and some calamari that wasn’t all that good”.  I asked what restaurant it was so that I could avoid it.  Plus I don’t have enough shoes on this trip to play these types of games.  She couldn’t remember the name; however she did know it was a Mexican name.  I smiled and thought to myself; good, that narrows it down to all the restaurants.  I can’t wait to eat dinner.
3. We all did some shopping at Walmart for the staple groceries.  Cilantro, Garlic, Chicken and Tequila.  I happened to purchase a nice bottle of Herradura Ultra Tequila Anejo.  Little did I know how friendly my tequila and I would get that night.  After a couple blended margaritas at the watering hole poured by my favorite bartender Antonio.  He works seven days on then one day off.  He’s paid for 8 hours a day and works 10.  He barely get’s paid anything and mostly works for tips.  He has two daughters and no wife.  He’s alone and enjoys making people smile at his bar.  I smile all the time, so I’m easy work for Antonio.  That night we made tacos.  Cause that’s what you do in Mexico.  We roasted braised taco spiced cluckers for 3 hours and while we did that, I poured myself a nice 3 ounce sipper of my new tequila friend.  A few in the group took a sip to try.  However, the bottle and me were going at this night solo.  Now, I’m a scotch man.  I enjoy a high quality single malt.  I have a pretty fair collection that quenches my thirst from time to time.  However, I have just recently started trying Tequila and Mezcal.  I have favoured mezcals mostly because of their range of peaty flavours; which I like.  That being said, tonight was just me an this clear anejo tequila.  By the time the chicken was ready to pull, I was half done the 750 mls of nectar and feeeeeeling gooooood.  I thought now that dinner was completed and stuffed away in my belly, that a nice walk on the nighttime beach in the dark would be appropriate.  We had heard rumours that the beach can be dangerous at night with the locals rustling up tourists for money and ransoms.  However, seemed safe to me, so Smurf and I headed out for a romantic walk.  It was dark.  The ocean was loud.  My motor skills diminished rather quickly on the elevator ride down.  I basically walked in to every poolside lawn chair and ran in to every rock on a sandy beach.  Smurf thought it wise to turn back when the beach ran out of nice sand and the locals started to come around.  I think I ran at this point, until I hit the next rock; which put me to the ground.  I got up collected myself and ran home, on the way running back in to all the pool side lawn chairs.  Got home safe and passed out.  The lesson learned from this night; they really have to make pool side chairs softer.  The lesson learned the next morning; good tequila doesn’t give you hangovers, they just give you bruised and battered legs.
4. Old town is a fantastic place to walk around and poke in to shops and restaurants.  There is everything for sale that you would ever need including a billion items you will never need.  One of those items may be a glow in the dark iguana shirt.  There seems to be hundreds of them hung up for sale in every marketplace stop.  However, after you bargain the price down and buy one, you will soon learn that when you get home and turn off the lights; that glow in the dark iguana don’t glow in the dark at all.  Question is, do you go back and argue that there is no glow in the glow shirt or do you just smile and bite the bullet.  I have to say the bullet tasted OK this time.

This would be the first vacation that I’ve ever taken where plans were never made and there were no major events scheduled and or completed.  It was truly relaxing and enjoyable.  I at good food (see my birthday post) and enjoyed the great company.  So much so that we have started to discuss buying a condo there and returning soon.

Until next post – Adios Bitchachos